Variety Show Memos.
To the people in front of us who talked throughout the show: Shut the hell up. These are performances, for crying out loud, and I assure you that you have nothing to say that cannot wait 5 minutes. My daughter even told me between performances that she wished you would stop whispering. You may have heard me respond, 'yes, it's incredibly rude. I'm certainly glad you know better.' Or perhaps you felt my well-placed kick to the back of your seat. Unfortunately, this public chastising only worked for, oh, 2 minutes. The 3-year-old behind us didn't know better than to talk during a performance, but you do. Shut up.
To the girl with the 'got faith?' t-shirt: Where are your parents? You need to sit your ass down. If Jesus were here, he'd tell you to sit your ass down and stop running around with your prosti-tot friends during performances. Oh yeah, and to shut up. Yes, that was me glaring at you while you were with the gaggle in front of us. You know why? 'Cause I don't advertise my 'morality' and then fail to sit my ass down and shut the hell up during performances.
To the gentleman 3 rows ahead with the ponytail: Cut it off. Antonio Banderas and Trace Adkins can pull off a ponytail. So can the Trace Adkins look-alike who won an attendance price at the variety show. You cannot. Quit playing Dungeons and Dragons and visit a barber.
To the students who were spectators: Thank you for being so supportive of your classmates, even when their performances were abysmal. It is heartwarming in this age of schoolyard bullying and angst to see you so heartily encourage everyone. This is one of the things we will miss about Sherwood -- the sense of family.
To Laurel: I'm glad you talked me into going to the variety show even though I didn't want to go. I had a great time with you and I think it was good for you to see your fellow schoolmates putting themselves out there, taking risks on that stage. I know you said you were glad you didn't perform because you'd have stage fright, but when your name was called as an attendance prize winner, you ran up on that stage like you owned it. I love you, kiddo.
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