Wanted: Bedtime Books.
I was so proud of myself. Both my kids were good sleepers and I thought it was one thing I'd done right. Neither of them woke during the night after 6 months of age or gave me any problems going to sleep. I fully credited the Ferber method of training children for sleeping through the night and the fact is, I still do. We employed a more Draconian version of the Ferber method because we just never went in after putting them down to sleep. I mean, c'mon, you're not going to traumatize a 4-month-old for the rest of its life if you don't go in and pat the baby -- the baby doesn't remember.
Unfortunately, we've hit a speed bump in the road to restful sleep.
For the past couple of weeks, Ethan has been fighting sleep. He fights it during his daytime nap; he fights it at night; he falls out of bed at 2 a.m., gets scared of the dark, and comes bounding through the house. He refuses to stay in bed when put down for a nap. Even Greg, Mr. Even Keel, has nearly ejected himself from our balcony in frustration.
--As an aside, I am constantly reminded my children are polar opposites. Laurel has always been a good sleeper and a good traveler and has been known to fall asleep in shopping carts more than once; Ethan won't even fall asleep in his car seat, so our family drives must be planned around him. While we have never worried about taking Laurel out to dinner, don't even attempt a family night out with Ethan. Laurel has always been in a great mood upon awakening in the morning; Ethan is loaded for bear no matter how long he has slept, and damn the sun if it shines in his eyes when he walks out of his bedroom.--
Anyway, we have instituted The Bedtime Routine with some success. The Bedtime Routine includes the following steps:
- 15 minutes before bedtime: Ensure you know Ducky's location (more on that later). Force child into pajamas and dry diaper while enduring kicking protests at the very humiliation of pajamas and dry diapers.
- 12 minutes before bedtime (provided the kicking and screaming pajama change hasn't delayed bedtime further): Fill Dora cup with milk. Only the Dora cup. Do not deviate from the Dora cup, for one never knows what might cause unrest.
- Find Harold and the Purple Crayon. This does not mean you will read Harold first in the impending book carousel, or that you will read Harold last, but know this: you will read Harold. This is actually okay with me, because Harold and the Purple Crayon contains one of the best lines in children's literature: "When Harold finished his picnic there was quite a lot left. He hated to see so much delicious pie go to waste. So Harold left a very hungry moose and a deserving porcupine to finish it up." A "deserving porcupine." I love that. It is also a great book because (spoiler alert -- if you are a toddler, stop reading now because this will ruin the book) Harold falls asleep in the end. Voluntarily! In fact, he 'makes' his bed and 'draws up' the covers with his crayon. Perfect! And it gets Ethan in the mood; ergo, we try to read this book last.
- Sit in the rocker-recliner with the Dora cup of milk and the chosen book. Read the book in a near-monotone, for inflection is the enemy of your mission. Endure at least 10 minutes of book roulette, likely including Itchy Itchy Chicken Pox which Ethan adores and has memorized but will likely never experience and which ends not with our protagonist falling asleep but expressing exuberance over his return to school (also good, but not a great bedtime ending). Perhaps Ethan's obsession with disease will follow in the footsteps of his sister Laurel, with her savant-like, somewhat disturbing knowledge of Kuru (for another post).
- This step is vital: Before reading the last book, tell Ethan that when this book is finished, it is time to give kisses and go night-night.
- Read the last book. Optimally this will be a book which ends with someone going to bed. DO NOT ASK him if it is time to give kisses, because that gives room for a negative answer. Just say, "Okay, that's it. Let's go give kisses." Give kisses to Mommy, Daddy, Laurel, the dog (after Mommy forces him to sit because Vinnie is scared of Ethan), to Itchy Itchy Chicken Pox, and to Harold and the Purple Crayon.
- Wander into Ethan's bedroom. Turn on the fan for white noise while Ethan crawls into bed. Give him his previously-located stuffed duck, "Ducky." He will not sleep without Ducky, but this is good because Ducky can be used as a bargaining chip in an emergency. Cover him with all three blankets. Not two, not one, but all three, no matter how warm it is in the room. Three is a magic number.
- Encourage Ethan to find his thumb (he's a thumb-sucker and maybe we shouldn't encourage this but WHATEVER WORKS, OKAY PEOPLE?) and sing 'Baa, Baa, Black Sheep,' his favorite song. He will probably sing along at the top of his lungs and that is acceptable, but DO NOT let him bounce to the music. Stop the song if you must until he collects himself. Bouncing, like voice inflection, is the enemy of your mission. If you allow him to bounce, he will surely bounce along behind you as you try to leave the room.
- When the song is over, rub his back and soothingly remind him he is to go to night-night. Tell him Ducky is going night-night, Laurel is going night-night, Vinnie is going night-night, Daddy and Mommy are going night-night, the cars are night-night, and by god if he gets out of bed, Ducky will sleep with the fishes (remember: soothing).
- Flee from the room and scramble around turning off lights as quickly and silently as possible so it looks as though Mommy, Daddy, Laurel, and all the other characters really DID go to bed. Granted, you just lied to your child, but remind yourself that if he gets enough sleep he will be smarter and someday earn enough to pay psychiatrists to listen as he moans about how his parents lied to him as a toddler, scarring him for life.
- Hold your breath for several seconds while listening for the tell-tale thump of toddler feet hitting the floor. If you haven't heard that within 30 seconds, you may have survived The Bedtime Routine.
Congratulations.
Didn't work? Go back at least as far as step 8 and repeat through the end. Better luck next time.
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